My medial meniscus, as the knee guy so eloquently and thoughtfully shared with me, is "completely macerated, it's shredded." That was the news about six weeks ago when my very dear husband found the best of the best in knee surgeons for athletes, made an appointment, and in we went. I was stunned. I am stunned. No repair is possible. My medial meniscus has expired.
MMM (Macerated Medial Meniscus) and I have had a solid, one-sided relationship. I've been the guilty partner in this long-term, committed relationship. I've taken advantage of her, I've assumed that she was always going to show up for me, I've pushed too much, stayed out too late, lied, broken promises. "Babe, I know you're feeling upset with me, I can tell by your angry vibe, I promise I'll take a day off tomorrow." You name it, I've done it. And now, the jig is up. She's done, and there's nothing I can do about it. No going back in time for a redo. Just a what do we do now that we are here, at the end of the road. Cue Backstreet Boys. "I can't let you go. It's unnatural. You belong to me, I belong to you."
I am grieving, and I do not really feel like myself. Turns out all of the stuff I taught and preached and lived in yoga and pilates - movement heals - is really true. Turns out that the kind of movement I crave is running, jumping, lifting, heart pounding. Turns out that an expired knee at 55 sucks.
And, I'm figuring out a new pace, a new normal. It's a trial and error situation of what MMM can tolerate. Thumbs down - my favorite Peloton rides, lifting heavy weights, walking too much, pickleball games, power yoga, too much gardening. Thumbs up - 30 minute elliptical with Seinfeld episodes; switch to Spotify Fleetwood Mac radio and do weight machines, dead lifts, ski erg, calf raises and hip bridges as many rounds as possible in 20 minutes.
Oh, and I joined Reddit groups to try to help MMM and I get back on solid ground - osteoarthritis! partial knee replacement! Misha knee system! I know it's too late for my OG MMM, but I'm hoping that the two of us can find some kind of path forward together.
Here's the thing. We really all do have an expiration date. Everything does. It's scary to think about.
MMM and I have a plan for a new-ish gizmo that will attach to the bone in my knee, preserve what's left of the rest of my meniscus, and absorb the shock that MMM just can't do for me anymore. There is hope, and this Misha knee system will buy me time and apparently give me back the activity level that I love. In the meantime, I'm taking it easy. Over here on the couch, returning to writing, and working on staying grateful.
Here’s the other thing something about you or yourself or someone you love is going to face this - an expiration date. Mine is MMM. Yours could be illness, marriage, stress, coping with change, really anything
How will you handle expirations?
Could there be a different path?
Could God be guiding you and me and us to a deeper trusting, a knowing, a better life in this space here and now?
My affirmation (say it slowly 3 times, add 3 deep breaths after the 3 rounds to seal into your central nervous system): My knee is jacked up, and I feel sad to not be able to run and jump and do yoga and play pickleball. I am taking steps to be strong and to heal and I trust that God is here guiding me, loving me, leading me into a vibrant future. I trust you, Lord. I trust you.
Philippians 4:6, The Message
"Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down."
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