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Monday, December 1, 2014

Rainy days and holidays always get me down

Thanksgiving happened and I got sad. I last visited my grandmother at this time of year.  Christmas was her thing, life sized singing Santa, family united, she glued us together. I miss her.

I had my last real visit with a beloved friend about this time several years ago. She was with me in the fight for mothering when we connected in Texas and we somehow ended up together in the   Midatlantic. Her battle with breast cancer was valiant. And this time of year I remember looking into her eyes and knowing. I can't see a tree ablaze in autumn glory withiut thinking of my Wendy living her final earthly days in a room painted in stately autumn style and reflecting her love of this season. I miss her.

I want to feel happy but the cycle of the season resists, darker days, longer nights, less sunshine. This too is important, to embrace the darkness. I'm not sure we can feel the sun unless we have tasted the night.  I want to be happy and carefree but I feel this weight. "Be here" is the voice I recognize. I am. Advent means God with us. Wherever you are. However that shows up. Whatever that looks like. That is the meaning of Christmas.

May you know it just so.